Sacrilegious paraphrasing: Genesis, Chapter 2

...in which we do it all over again in detail and Adam gets a fine-ass wife

2:1 And that was it. God finished the tutorial and had this huge world to play in.

2:2 God was beat, man. Six days of making literally everything really took it out of Him. 2:3 So God blessed the seventh day but this time He really put some stank on that blessing, you see. The seventh day was for Him. He chilled and decided that everyone else should chill on the seventh day, too.

2:4 This is how it all went down. God created everything but things got complicated once he put people in the mix.

2:5 Even though I just told you that God put all sorts of trees and plants on Earth, I’m going to back up act like it never happened because the Bible is weird like that and this stuff all needs rain, right? And it hadn’t rained yet. And even if it did, there was no one down there to work the land and make it all grow. 2:6 But then all of a sudden there’s all these streams and rivers that started to flow and they watered the land. 2:7 Then God grabbed a handful of, like, dirt and made a little dude out of it. Like it was Play-Doh or something. And He breathed into the muddy dude’s nose and the dude came alive.

2:8 So now there’s this place on Earth out in the east called Eden and God decided that that would be a dope place to put a garden. It’s not super clear what the rest of the Earth was like, but Eden was the shit; wicked beautiful, right? And he stuck his new dude there. 2:9 And God put a lot of sweet foliage there, too, and they were literally covered in food. But in the middle of it all, God put two special trees: The Tree of Life and The Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

2:10 So there’s this huge river that runs through Eden, right? And it separates into four smaller rivers. It’s probably the ford at the end of the Persian Gulf, but we’ll get to that. 2:11 The first one’s called Pishon, and it basically runs through this land called Havilah, and there’s gold all up in Havilah. 2:12 But hold up. It’s not really gold. It’s really a resin and it smells wicked good. There’s also a lot of onyx there. 2:13 The next river is called Gihon and it flows a land called Cush where all the best weed grows. Nah, I’m just fucking with you. I don’t know what grows there. 2:14 The third river is called the Tigris and it runs to the east of this place called Ashur, which is probably what everyone calls Assyria now. They were their own people and had their own thing going on. The fourth river, by the way, is the Euphrates. So we’re basically in Iraq right now; the Fertile Crescent and all that.

2:15 So God takes this dude he made and drops him right in the middle of this awesome garden so he can work on it and do maintenance and shit. 2:16 But God made sure to tell him, “Look around you, my dude. See all that fuckin’ fruit? Eat all you like. Go nuts. Seriously.” 2:17 “But not that one,” meaning the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, “If you eat the fruit on that tree you’ll die. Don’t ask why. You just will, okay?”

2:18 Pretty soon, the Lord checked on his guy and noticed that he seemed bummed. You know? He’s all alone down there in the garden and it’s a lot of work and it’s lonely business being literally the only person on Earth.

2:19 So God goes and grabs all the shit he made and puts it in front of this guy. And you know how God named all the stuff when he made it? Well, this guy now has all this stuff around him that grew and all these animals wandering around and he gets to name those. See what’s going on here? 2:20 So the dude names all the animals, and he names all the birds and it’s cool as hell because he’s kind of like God, that way, right? He’s divine in his own way.

But even with all these cool animals that now had names, Adam — that’s his name, by the way — he was still pretty lonely. It’s not like you can get with these things. I mean, you could but, like, gross, dude. 2:21 So God was like, “Alright, my dude. I’m going to hook you up,” and he made Adam go to sleep. Like to sleep. Real deep. Then he goes into Adam and he yanks out one of his ribs and patches him back up like nothing ever happened. 2:22 God takes this rib, right? And makes a real sweet lady out of it and he wakes Adam up and is like, “What’d I tell you? She’s hot, right?”

2:23 And Adam is all, “She’s the bone of my bones. (Heh! Bone.) And she’s the flesh of my flesh. And I’m going to call her woman, because she’s like me, a man. But, like, woah, man. Get it? Woah, man? Ehhhh, forget it.”

2:24 And that’s why a dude eventually bails on his parents and bags a wife. They become one flesh. It’s like they’re two parts of one thing and aren’t whole until they combine. She’s, like, his missing piece. It's a wicked romantic notion that’s lost on all these idiots.

2:25 Adam and his wife were both butt naked, by the way, and totally didn’t give a shit.