Sacrilegious paraphrasing: Genesis, Chapter 3

...in which good pussy'll make a dude turn away from his creator

3:1 Out of all the animals that The Lord made, the snake was the most sus out of them all. He sees Adam’s lady hanging around one day, all naked and shit, and he sidles up to her and asks, “Yo, did God really tell you that you can’t have any of this fruit?”

3:2 And the lady told the serpent, “Nah, that ain’t it. You got it wrong. God said we could eat the hell out of all this fruit.” 3:3 “But don’t touch that fruit,” She said, gesturing to the glorious tree in the middle of the garden, “That’s God’s fruit. You eat it, you die.”

3:4 “Bullshit,” Said the Serpent. 3:5 “God’s full of shit, lady. He knows damn well that if you eat that delicious-ass fruit you’ll have knowledge of good and evil and you’ll be like Him and He can’t have that.

3:6 The lady took another look at the fruit. Just by looking at it she could tell that it was way better than the other crappy fruit hanging around. And she totally wanted to have wisdom and who could blame her? So she took a piece of that fruit and ate it and couldn’t believe that it was even more delicious than she thought it would be. And Adam was also there this whole time, not saying anything like an idiot. So she gave it to him and he ate it without even thinking about it. 3:7 All of a sudden, they knew everything. Everything. And they were like, holy shit! Our tits and dick are just out there! So they took these fig leaves they had laying around and sewed them into undies to cover up their junk.

3:8 Then they heard God stomping around in His garden, just taking in all the natural beauty He’d made, and the two of them freaked out. They just lost it. So they ducked behind some trees and tried to play it cool. 3:9 But God was like, “Dude, where you at?”

3:10 Adam knew he was hosed so he stepped out and said, “I heard you coming our way and kind of lost my cool. Sorry, bro. It’s just that I’m down here with my wang hanging out and didn’t want you to see it.”

3:11 And He said, “Woah. Hold up, guy. Who the hell told you you were naked? Were you talking to that fucking snake? You didn’t eat from that tree I told you not to eat from, did you?”

3:12 Adam totally copped to it but not before ratting on his girl, “That woman did it first! She made me do it, man. I swear.” Which was totally not cool.

3:13 Then The Lord said to the girl, “Dude, what the hell?” And she said, “It’s not my fault! The serpent lied to me and I ate it.” But did it lie? I mean, they’re not dead, are they?

3:14 Then God gave the serpent a whole lot of shit, “I don’t know why you have to be such a pain in the ass, serpent. But because you did this you’re fucked. You’re going to be lowest of the low. Like, literally. You’re going to crawl around eat dirt for eternity. 3:15 And I’m going to make it so that you freak the humans out. And when they see you, they’re just going to want to bash your shit in with a shovel but you’ll also want to bite them because I can’t have you guys hanging out together anymore. You’re bad for business.”

3:16 And then He turned to the lady and was like, “Yo. From now on it’s going to suck to have kids. Like, it’s going to hurt like hell. And you’re also going to want this dude. Like want him. And he’s going to be a real pain in the ass for you.”

3:17 And then He chewed Adam out the worst, “Dude, look at this place. It’s the bomb! And I only had one rule. One! But you had to listen to her, didn’t you? Is that pussy so fine that you just turn me out? So now the ground is garbage and it’s all your fault. You’re going to have to work your ass off just to grow your own food and eat it.”

3:18 “You’re going to miss this place, bro,” Said The Lord, “The ground is now going to make all kinds of nasty shit that cuts and sticks you and the food isn’t going to be even half as good as the food up in here.”

3:19 “You’re going to have to bust your ass just for this nasty crap that you grow and it’s all you’re going to have to eat until the day you die and they dump you in a hole in the dirt because that all you’re made of, loser.”

3:20 It was at this point that Adam got tired of just calling the girl girl or woman, so he started calling her Eve because she was going to end up being everyone’s mom.

3:21 The Lord decided that now that they knew they were naked that he should probably give them some clothes so they won’t freeze to death. 3:22 And then God turned to those mysterious people that the Bible refuses to name for some reason and says, “Well, now they’re like us. Great! Just great! They know about good and evil. But you know what else sucks? If they ate from that one tree, they’re definitely going to eat from the other one and end up living forever and there’s no way in hell I’m going to end up stuck with those morons forever.” 3:23 So The Lord told them get the fuck out. 3:24 And after they left He set up the most heavy metal security system He could come up with. At the east side of the garden He put a Cherubim and gave him a flaming sword. It’s some real Dungeons and Dragons shit. And the angel is out there swinging it back and forth, making sure that nobody gets back in and there’s just these rad guitar solos playing forth from the heavens all the time.