4:1 Adam and Eve knocked boots and just like God told her, she ended up preggers and man alive, did it suck! The two of them have a baby named Cain. Now, this had never happened before and she was all, âWhat the hell just happened? A small person just came out of my vagina! God did this, I guess?â Because how was she supposed to know? 4:2 Oh, but she wasnât done having babies. A little while later, she kicked out another kid and she called him Abel.
After a while, they put the kids to work because Iâm sure it was a pain in the ass dealing with this crappy land they lived on and with all these chores they had to do. Abel was a shepherd and took care of the livestock and Cain was a farmer. 4:3 After a while, Cain raised up some pretty decent harvest and he poured a little out for The Lord because in spite of their breakup, they were all still really into God. 4:4 And Abel also gave up a sacrifice: Fat-ass pieces of meat from the finest animals in his flock. And The Lord was like, âThatâs some fine-ass meat, son,â 4:5 But He didnât say shit to Cain. He was just like, âYeah. Ok. Grains. Whatever.â And Cain was fucking pissed, dude.
4:6 Then God said unto Cain, âU MAD BRO?â 4:7 âWhatâs the problem, guy? Just mind your business, do whatâs right, and itâs all good. If you fuck up, sin is just hanging around waiting to catch you slipping. You gotta control that anger, son.â
4:8 So when he thought God wasnât looking, Cain told Abel to meet him out in the field. Abel shows up and is all like, âWhatâs up?â And right when heâs least expecting it, Cain goes at his bro and and kicks the shit out of him. He stoves his head in with a rock and kills him.
4:9 Later on, Godâs like, âCain, whereâs your brother at?â
âHow the fuck should I know?â Cain replied.
4:10 And The Lord said unto Cain, âOh no, man! What the hell? Shut the fuck up for a second! You hear that? Thatâs Abelâs blood, screaming to me from the bloody ground.â 4:11 âSo now I have to curse you, too. You people. I swear. You gotta go. You canât be here where your brotherâs blood soaked the dirt when you killed him.â 4:12 âSo now, wherever you end up, you can work the hell out of the earth but itâs not going to raise up anything to eat. No soup for you! Youâll get that reference in a few thousand years. And youâll definitely be around for Seinfeld because youâre just going to wander the world forever, like a ghost or some shit.â
3:13 And Cain asked The Lord, âOh dude, come on. Arenât you being a little dramatic?â 4:14 âYouâre kicking me out and I wonât even be able to see you anymore. Iâm just going to be wandering around out there and if anyone finds me, theyâre going to kill me. Which, now that I think about it, is kind of a weird conclusion to come to because as far as I know, me and my parents are the only people on Earth.â
4:15 But The Lord told him, âNah. Donât sweat it, Cain. Anyone who kills you is going to get it way worse than you do,â And God put a mark on him so that when anyone saw it theyâd know that itâs Cain and theyâd steer clear of him. 4:16 So Cain peaced out and headed East to the land of Nod. Wherever that is.
4:17 Things worked out pretty well for Cain, though. So I guess The Lordâs punishment couldnât have been that bad. He ends up with a wife of his own and they totally do it. Cainâs wife has a boy and they name him Enoch. Not that Enoch, though. A different Enoch. And in the meantime, out in Nod, Cain is building a city that he names Enoch, in honor of his kid. 4:18 And then Enoch grows up and gets laid a bunch of times and has a kid named Irad. And Irad ends up having a kid named Mehujael who grows up and has a kid named Methushael who then has a dude named Lamech.
4:19 Lamech is a pimp. Dude lands two women. Two. All these other dudes were thinking smalltime. Lamech was like, why settle for one? One wife was named Adah and the other is named Zillah. 4:20 Adah has a kid named Jabal and he kind of starts up this cultural tradition of nomadic people that live in tents and raise livestock. 4:21 He has a brother named Jubal and heâs basically the father of musicians. He invents stringed instruments and pipes. 4:22 Zillah has a kid, too. Everyoneâs having sons. Early mankind was a wicked sausage party. Zillah has a kid named Tubal-Cain, who figures out how to make tools out of bronze and iron. This is seriously clutch because it sure beats the hell out of stone tools. But for once, this family ends up with a girl and Tubal-Cainâs sister is named Naamah.
4:23 Lamech comes home one day and he sits his wives down and heâs all, âYo. Youâre going to want to sit down for this announcement. Some dude hurt me today. Donât worry about the details. Check it out. See? Iâm injured. But thatâs not the worst part. Worst part is, I killed the dude.â 4:24 âIâm badass, you know? What was I supposed to do? Everyone be like, Theyâre going to avenge Cain seven-fold. But me? I get avenged seventy seven-fold. How you like me now?â
4:25 Meanwhile, Adam and Eve are still having tons of sex and she gets pregnant again and has this kid named Seth. And sheâs like, âLucky us. God gave me another baby to replace the one that Cain killed before he peaced out for Nod.â 4:26 Seth grows up and ends up with a son of his own and he calls him Enosh, because I guess people have a hard time coming up with unique names back in the day.
Itâs around this time that people start taking God pretty seriously and they all start to pray to Him.