Sacrilegious paraphrasing: Genesis, Chapter 1
...in which God plays through the tutorial for making the Heaven and the Earth
1:1 Way back in the day, God looked around and decided He needed to do something with all this empty space He had. So He got down to business and created heaven and the earth.
1:2 He just kind of had this idea back then, you know? It wasn’t, like, trees and animals and shit yet. It was just wicked dark all the time and everything was just kind of chaos. So God got down to checking it out to see what He could do with it because this place was a serious dump and needed a lot of work.
1:3 So God was like, let’s get some light up in here. And shit lit up.
1:4 And God was all, “Hell yeah. That’s the shit, right there,” But then He was like, this is going to get old, fast. So He split the light from the darkness so his peeps could get some sleep at night because folks gotta work, you know?
1:5 God thought to Himself, what should I call this light? And he came up with Day, because why not? It’s not like there’s anything else going on right now. He supposed that the darkness needed a name, too. So he called it Night and those two things came to be the first day ever. Not wicked exciting but when you really think about it, that’s crazy, yo. He just spun this shit up out of nothing.
1:6 And then on the second day, God was all, “I need a place to chill in all of this. Some place quiet so I can check out my creation from on high. But I don’t want whatever I end up putting down there coming up here and hassling me.”
1:7 So, feeling like He had a pretty solid plan for the firmament and the water, He went ahead and did it.
1:8 God called this new place of his Heaven because this is how He does things and He doesn’t have to explain anything to anyone.
1:9 And then He was like, “I know what I’m going to do with this place and it’s going to be sweet,” and He summoned dry land from the water.
1:10 God was like, “I have to give this place a name, too. So I may as well just call it Earth because I like the sound of that. And all that other shit over there, the water that didn’t turn into dry land? That’s the sea,” And God checked it out from Heaven and was like, “Hell yeah. I’m really good at this.”
1:11 And then God said, “Not bad, not bad. But it’s all just dirt and ocean right now. Kind of a bummer to look at. So let’s get some grass on the field. And then some plants that make more plants and the whole thing will just kind of run itself.” And because He’s God, it happened.
1:12 Grass popped up out of the dirt and then there were trees. Plants that had fruit on them and, like, weed and shit grew. And they all had seeds in them that made more of them and God said, “This is awesome.”
1:13 And that was all just on the third day!
1:14 And then God took a look around and felt like everything was pretty sweet so far, but it still needed something. So He thought outside the box and put lights up in the sky so you’d know when it was day and when it was night. And at first, He was like, “Yeah. This is cool and all. But, like, what if you could also use these lights to, like, see signs and figure out what season it is and know what day it is and what year? I bet that’d be handy as hell!”
1:15 “Even though there’s nothing down there right now but all this cool stuff I put there, I've got plans for this place and it’d be nice if I could use these lights to, like, send messages and shit to people. They’re gonna have to be smart enough to figure it out but I bet they’ll figure it out because, hey! I made them!” And so it all went down the way he meant it to.
1:16 God made two huge lights in the sky. The one in the day was better than the one at night, at least He thought so. He also put some stars up there but it would take forever for anyone to realize that they’re also great big suns like the greater light, they just look small because they’re so far away.
1:17 God put them up in the heavens so they’d shine down on the earth.
1:18 And the whole thing was there just to separate the light from the darkness and God was seriously impressed.
1:19 And if you’re still not impressed, it took four days to do this. Your dad took, like, an entire week just to build a patio. Sheesh!
1:20 And God was all, “This is going to blow your stupid mind! Check this out. Boom! Animals. Boom! Birds.”
1:21 God put fish, and dolphins, and everything that moved, basically; dogs, cats, lions. And there was a shitload of them. They were basically everywhere!
1:22 God blessed them all, which is quite a thing. They’re all holy and shit. He was like, “Go on and make more of yourself. Like, really take this place over and make it your own.”
1:23 Day five was officially in the bag. But God wasn’t done yet. This next part is going to make you freak out.
1:24 God made some more animals. Cows, and stuff that crawled around like snakes and spiders. Cows, I get. But spiders? But the thing that matters is that God made them a self-sustaining system. So they’d always make more of themselves, circle of life and all that.
1:25 God was seriously into His creation. It’s all good. All of it. Cows, dolphins, even the spiders.
1:26 And then The Lord said, “I’m about to blow your stupid mind, bros. Check this out. We’re going to make man and he’s going to look like us, dudes!” And whoever God was talking to freaked out, “Wait. I’m not done yet. You know how we’re up here? In charge of all that shit down there? Check this out. This guy I’m about to make? He’s going to be in charge of everything down there!”
1:27 So, The Lord went ahead and did it and it was awesome.
1:28 And then The Lord blessed the hell out of him and hooked him up with his kingdom and told him that he it was all his and he should make more of him, which was weird at the time because it just this dude. God hadn’t made any chicks yet.
1:29 And God told his dude, “Check it out, guy. Look around you. You got herbs and plants and shit. And they have seeds in them. And if you plant those seeds, you get more herbs and plants. And the trees have the same thing going on.
1:30 And you can cultivate this stuff and feed it to the animals and then — are you ready for this? You can eat those animals. Trust me. It’s delicious.
1:31 And then God, seriously impressed with everything He’d just made, decided that this was the coolest shit He’d ever done, and it only took, like, six days!